I play many roles in this crazy life that God created me to live. I am a mommy to a beautiful son and a wife to the greatest man ever put on this planet. I am a Life Coach to young women in Foster care, a dance coach, and a mentor to many. But above all of these, I am a laid down lover to Jesus Christ.
My life has been the greatest example of a beautiful mess that God has ever written. Just a few years ago I was in the darkest hole of my life. On the outside I was all put together, but on the inside I was a true disaster. I was broken and depressed, truly void of hope. I was lost and run over by the things life had pulled me through.
But I don’t want to get ahead of myself. I’d rather start at the beginning…
I grew up dating one person the majority of my life. We met when I was just a young girl and we were CRAZY for each other from that day on. Late night phone calls and love letters marked the beginning of our long distance relationship, but once high school hit things became much more intense. I was a Christian and had been my entire life. My virginity was extremely important to me. I even had the promise ring to prove it! I wanted to stay pure for my husband to give him, and only him that gift. But when Senior year came around things began to change drastically. The morals that I stood on for so long constantly fought against his teenage hormones. After months and month of pressure, I gave into sex even though I had no desire to cross that line. I wanted to prove to him that I loved him and his manipulation convinced me that sex was the only way I could. I immediately became disgusted with myself, feeling dirty and flawed for what I had done.
From that point on, everything went downhill. He became demeaning and cruel, and although I should have left him I couldn’t find the strength to. I believed whole-heartedly that he was the man I was suppose to marry, and in my 18-year-old eyes I could never see myself walking away from my future husband. The verbal abuse kept coming, while I continued believing that if I could just give him all he wanted I could fix him. I believed for so long that I could change him, not realizing that was the job of Holy Spirit alone. For years the abuse continued, scarring me deeply. After so many years of loving this man, I couldn’t find myself past him. I became fearful of men and the power they could have over a woman. No matter what anyone told me I should do, I was too afraid to leave him. I didn’t believe that I deserved any better and I thought God would be angry with me for giving up on “the gift” He had given me.
As most teenage love affairs seem to go, he broke up with me about two months after we opened the door to sexual sin. The night we broke up I was in the car with new friends. They saw the pain through my tear stained cheeks and offered me a drink to help me “forget about him.” In that moment I took a really deep look at my situation. I saw how long I had fought and how tired I was of losing. My way obviously led to failure and pain and I figured I had nothing to lose. I got drunk for the first time that night. Little did I know that it would lead to an overwhelming lifestyle of alcoholism.
That night, I discovered the power alcohol had to make me forget my pain for a moment. For just a few hours I could be numb to the heartache. That black hole that had been growing in me was pushed far away, as I felt alive for the first time in months. I discovered what I thought was the solution for my depression.
I went to a party one night after I had been at college for a few months. I thought it was going to be a normal night but it took a wrong turn. A man who I thought was a good friend ended up raping me. Naturally, you would think that I was wrecked from that moment on, but I really wasn’t. I just became more numb. I discovered that numbness was the key to pain. I hated the idea of becoming a victim so I didn’t tell a soul.
After almost two years of suppressing it, the abuse and rape finally took hold of my emotions. My true desire was to die, but I didn’t have the courage (or cowardess) to kill myself. I was staying in homes with drug dealers, drinking almost daily and giving myself away to men – careful to never make a real emotional connection.
That was the state I found myself in on Saturday, March 27th, 2010. I was sitting in my apartment, solemnly void of hope. I began crying out to God for the first time in years. I begged, “God, I know your real. And if you still can find any worth in me, PLEASE come save me. I’m dying.” I took a few pills and then fell asleep.
The rest really goes down in history. The next day I went to an Eddie James service. Regardless of the song or who was speaking, I couldn’t stop crying. I was FEELING, again! It was remarkable. That night Jesus Christ met me in a major way! He tore down all my walls and defenses and embraced me with a love that I had never experienced elsewhere in my life. He overwhelmed me with peace and security. He lavished me with HIS worth and HIS purpose.
The Lord has healed me in a REAL way. I tried EVERYTHING just to find peace and learned that it can only come through Jesus Christ. He is the only answer to the hole in every human soul that needs to be filled.
A few weeks later I jumped into full-time ministry with Eddie James. For three years I travelled the world, preaching the gospel and leading dance teams into the most amazing venues. And to think that I was the most unworthy of this kind of blessing. But God loves to use the foolish things to confound the wise 🙂
Since that time, I have spent months overseas preaching the message of the Gospel to the most impoverished, the prostitutes, and the addicted. In 2012, I married Rakeem Brewington and we had a son just 13 months later. We moved to Cleveland, TN and developed Remnant ministries under the heading of Omega Center International (Perry Stone Ministries). I completed my Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology/Crisis Counseling and am a licensed Life Coach through the state of Georgia – working with wonderful young ladies in group homes.
I love the work I get to do. It’s a privilege to minister for the King of Kings who has so ravished my heart.
I vow every day to lay down my life for Christ with the sae determination that He laid his down for me.